Hello, you reached the office of Mr Queer

During the lunch break today, when most people around the department floor were out, I closed my office door and proceeded to record my voicemail message. To help things out, I read from the firm's recommended message script. That really didn't help much though... it was only after the 8th attempt that I pretty much gave up on things and left the recording be.

As I replayed each attempt, I couldn't help but cringe. It wasn't due to the loudly vocalised expletives, which seemed to come after every stutter, slur or awkward pause I made (v. unprofessional). It was my reaction to the sound of my voice! I absolutely loathed how gay I sounded! I can just imagine future listeners thinking, "Gosh, this guy sounds like such a big faggoty homo!"

It reminded me of the video S-M recorded at the end of high school. When we all saw the edited version of the tape at Will's place for the first time, I couldn't help but cringe then as now, all the way through it... at my actions, at my speech... it was all so nelly. How could everyone not know then?

No matter how far I seem to have journeyed towards a greater level of self-acceptance, it's troubling to realise that I still retain such strong residual feelings of self-loathing and homophobia. It's something that definitely has to change... how else am I gonna be able to moonlight as a phone sex operator?